When your in-laws cannot let go of control, it often shows up first in how they treat your customs, holidays, and everyday routines. Spotting the signs that they expect you to give up your traditions helps you protect your identity while still honoring the new family you married into. These seven patterns reveal when the pressure is no longer about “blending families” and has shifted into expecting you to erase your own way of doing things.
1) They Insist on Hosting All Family Gatherings
They insist on hosting all family gatherings, and that pattern can be a clear sign your in-laws expect your traditions to disappear at the door. Guidance on handling relatives who simply cannot release control notes that when in-laws cannot let go, they often cling to familiar routines as a way to keep power in the family system. If every birthday, religious celebration, or long weekend must happen in their home, on their schedule, your own cultural or personal rituals are quietly pushed aside.
Over time, this dynamic reshapes what “normal” looks like for your household. You may find yourself skipping your family’s New Year’s meal or cutting short a cultural festival so you can show up for their preferred event. The stakes are not just logistical, they are emotional, because your children learn whose traditions matter most. Recognizing this pattern early allows you to negotiate alternating locations or shared hosting so your customs are not permanently sidelined.
2) They Dismiss Your Holiday Recipes
They dismiss your holiday recipes, treating your food as optional while theirs is nonnegotiable. In one detailed account, in-laws were described as expecting to recreate every family tradition from their side, including the exact menu, while ignoring the spouse’s cultural dishes. When your offers to bring a signature dessert, a regional main course, or a religiously significant food are brushed off or replaced, it signals that your heritage is being ranked as less important.
This kind of dismissal can feel minor at first, framed as “We already have too many sides” or “No one will eat that,” but it chips away at your sense of belonging. Holiday tables are often where identity is most visible, from tamales and latkes to jollof rice and pierogi. If your in-laws never make room for your recipes, they are effectively asking you to celebrate inside their story, not yours, and that imbalance can fuel long-term resentment.
3) They Question Your Parenting Customs
They question your parenting customs, especially when those customs are rooted in your culture or faith, and imply that their way is the only correct standard. Experts who address what happens when in-laws cannot let go of influence in the next generation warn that criticism often centers on child-rearing, from sleep routines to discipline to language use. If your in-laws scoff at bilingual bedtime stories, traditional naming practices, or communal caregiving norms, they are not just disagreeing, they are devaluing your background.
The stakes are especially high here because your children absorb those messages. When grandparents roll their eyes at your rituals or override your rules in front of your kids, they teach that your authority is negotiable and your culture is optional. Over time, that can fracture your confidence as a parent and strain your marriage, particularly if your spouse feels caught between loyalty to their parents and respect for your customs.
4) They Plan Vacations Without Your Input
They plan vacations without your input, presenting fully formed itineraries that center their preferences and history while sidelining your own travel traditions. In one widely shared story, in-laws insisted on planning an anniversary trip as their “gift,” then, as described in the full account of that anniversary trip, handed the couple the bill at the airport and claimed they thought the couple knew it was not actually covered. That kind of control over destination, schedule, and even finances shows how easily your wishes can be overwritten.
When relatives routinely choose locations tied only to their memories, ignore your desire to visit your home country, or schedule travel that conflicts with your religious observances, they are effectively telling you that your milestones and customs are secondary. Beyond the financial stress, the emotional cost is that your relationship’s big moments become staged on someone else’s terms. Pushing back by insisting on joint planning or alternating who chooses destinations helps re-center your shared values.
5) They Critique Your Home Decor Choices
They critique your home decor choices, especially items that reflect your heritage, and suggest replacements that mirror their own style. When in-laws cannot let go of the idea that their taste is the default, they may question religious symbols, cultural artwork, or family heirlooms displayed in your living room. Comments about a wall hanging being “too loud” or a shrine being “out of place” can be coded attempts to erase visible markers of your identity from shared spaces.
Because home is where you should feel most rooted, this kind of criticism can be particularly destabilizing. If you start moving items into closets before visits or rearranging rooms to avoid remarks, you are already adjusting your environment to fit their comfort instead of your own. Over time, that pattern can make you feel like a guest in your own house. Setting boundaries about what is not up for debate, and involving your spouse in defending those choices, is crucial to preserving a sense of safety and belonging.
6) They Override Gift-Giving Norms
They override gift-giving norms, insisting that their approach is the only acceptable one and treating your customs as an afterthought. In a detailed dispute over presents, one person described how their in-laws reacted when they learned about a cultural gifting practice, with the narrator explaining that Now they probably want to know all the other gift giving traditions and adding, “You will give it as much respect as they did your culture.” That response captured how dismissive behavior around gifts can symbolize deeper disregard.
Gift exchanges often carry religious, regional, or family-specific meaning, from red envelopes to handmade items to strict spending limits. When in-laws mock those customs, pressure you to match their budget, or ignore your preference for charitable donations, they are not just debating etiquette, they are challenging your values. The broader trend is that your way of honoring people is treated as inferior, which can sour celebrations and create financial strain if you feel forced to keep up with their expectations.
7) They Dictate Wedding Anniversary Celebrations
They dictate wedding anniversary celebrations, treating your milestones as events they are entitled to script. Accounts of controlling relatives show how easily a romantic occasion can be repurposed into a family performance, from choosing the restaurant to inviting extra guests without asking you. When in-laws insist that anniversaries must follow their rituals, such as recreating their own first-date spot or repeating a specific ceremony, they are effectively inserting their narrative into your marriage’s private timeline.
This control has real consequences for how you and your spouse experience commitment and intimacy. If every anniversary is shaped around their expectations, you lose chances to build new traditions that reflect your shared story. Over time, that can leave you feeling like supporting characters in a celebration that should center your relationship. Reclaiming the day by setting clear boundaries about who plans what, and when others are invited, helps ensure your marriage is not overshadowed by someone else’s script.
As a mom of three busy boys, I know how chaotic life can get — but I’ve learned that it’s possible to create a beautiful, cozy home even with kids running around. That’s why I started Cultivated Comfort — to share practical tips, simple systems, and a little encouragement for parents like me who want to make their home feel warm, inviting, and effortlessly stylish. Whether it’s managing toy chaos, streamlining everyday routines, or finding little moments of calm, I’m here to help you simplify your space and create a sense of comfort.
But home is just part of the story. I’m also passionate about seeing the world and creating beautiful meals to share with the people I love. Through Cultivated Comfort, I share my journey of balancing motherhood with building a home that feels rich and peaceful — and finding joy in exploring new places and flavors along the way.
