Feeling like a secondary option in friendships can be disheartening and confusing, particularly when you invest significant time and effort into those relationships. Recognizing the signs that you may be considered a “backup friend” rather than a priority can help you reassess your social circles and focus on healthier connections. Understanding these dynamics is essential for fostering genuine friendships that uplift and support you.
1. Communication is One-Sided
If you find yourself always reaching out to initiate conversations or make plans, it may indicate that your friend does not prioritize the relationship. Healthy friendships typically involve mutual effort in communication; when one person consistently takes the lead, it can create an imbalance. Pay attention to how often your friend responds, initiates contact, or engages in conversations. If you feel like you’re always the one texting or calling, it might be time to reevaluate the friendship.
2. They Cancel Plans Frequently
Regularly canceled plans can be a major red flag. While everyone has busy schedules, a friend who frequently bails on commitments without valid reasons may not prioritize your relationship. If you notice a pattern of last-minute cancellations or rescheduling, it could signify that you are not at the forefront of their social agenda. Consistent disappointment in this regard can lead to feelings of neglect and frustration.
3. You’re Not Invited to Important Events
Missing out on significant life events such as birthdays, weddings, or other celebrations can be a strong indicator of your status in a friendship. If you consistently find that you are left off guest lists or excluded from gatherings, it may suggest that the other person does not view you as a priority. This exclusion can be particularly painful if you’ve made an effort to include them in your own milestones.
4. They Share Personal Updates with Others First
When friends share important news or personal updates with other people before telling you, it can be a clear sign of where you stand in their life. If you find out about your friend’s big news through social media or mutual acquaintances instead of directly from them, it may indicate that they do not view you as a key confidant. Healthy friendships are grounded in open communication and trust, and feeling sidelined can lead to insecurities about your place in their life.
5. You’re Only Contacted During Crises
If your friend only reaches out to you during times of need or crisis, it may reflect a one-sided dynamic in the relationship. While it’s natural to support each other during tough times, a friendship that feels transactional—where you are only valued in emergencies—can be emotionally draining. A true friend will not only seek you out in difficult times but will also want to share joy and celebrate successes with you.
6. They Prioritize Others Over You
Noticing that your friend consistently chooses other people or activities over spending time with you can be disheartening. If they frequently make plans with others, even when you have already suggested meeting up, it may indicate a lack of investment in your friendship. Everyone has varying degrees of social commitments, but a friend who consistently places others first may not see you as a priority in their life.
7. You Feel Unappreciated
Lastly, if you frequently feel unappreciated or taken for granted in a friendship, it’s a sign that the relationship may not be healthy. Genuine friendships involve mutual respect and gratitude; if you feel like your efforts go unnoticed or unacknowledged, it may be time to take a step back. Recognizing your worth is crucial in building and maintaining relationships that are fulfilling and reciprocal.
Why It Matters
Understanding your status in friendships is essential for your emotional well-being. Being labeled as a “backup friend” can lead to feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, and resentment. It’s important to surround yourself with people who value you and prioritize your friendship, as these connections will nurture your growth and happiness. If you identify with several of these signs, it may be worth considering whether to address the issues with your friend or invest your energy into more fulfilling relationships.
Taking Action
If you recognize that you are in a friendship where you feel like a backup, consider having an open conversation with your friend. Expressing your feelings can provide clarity and potentially strengthen the relationship. However, if the response is dismissive or the behavior does not change, it might be time to reevaluate the friendship and focus on building connections that are more reciprocal and supportive.
As a mom of three busy boys, I know how chaotic life can get — but I’ve learned that it’s possible to create a beautiful, cozy home even with kids running around. That’s why I started Cultivated Comfort — to share practical tips, simple systems, and a little encouragement for parents like me who want to make their home feel warm, inviting, and effortlessly stylish. Whether it’s managing toy chaos, streamlining everyday routines, or finding little moments of calm, I’m here to help you simplify your space and create a sense of comfort.
But home is just part of the story. I’m also passionate about seeing the world and creating beautiful meals to share with the people I love. Through Cultivated Comfort, I share my journey of balancing motherhood with building a home that feels rich and peaceful — and finding joy in exploring new places and flavors along the way.
