When your mother-in-law starts vying for your child’s affection, it can feel less like extended family and more like a quiet tug-of-war. Experts describe a pattern called emotional incest, where a parent or family member treats a child as an emotional stand-in for a partner, blurring boundaries and creating competition for the child’s love. Recognizing these signs helps you protect your child’s development and reclaim your role as the primary parent in the relationship.
1) She Shares Her Personal Struggles with Your Child
She shares her personal struggles with your child in a way that sounds more like venting to a partner than chatting with a grandchild. Clinicians describe emotional incest as a dynamic where an adult leans on a child for deep emotional support, often confiding about loneliness, stress, or conflict in ways that are far beyond the child’s capacity. Reporting on emotional incest notes that this burdens kids with adult problems and pulls them into a role they are not meant to fill.
When your mother-in-law repeatedly tells your child about her health scares, money worries, or how “no one else understands,” she is positioning your child as her emotional anchor. That can crowd out your guidance, because the child learns to prioritize her feelings and secrets over your rules and routines. Over time, this pattern can make you feel like you are competing with her crises for your child’s attention, while your child quietly absorbs anxiety that should belong to the adults.
2) She Seeks Constant Emotional Validation from Your Kid
She seeks constant emotional validation from your kid, fishing for reassurance that she is loved, needed, and “the favorite.” In descriptions of emotional incest, the targeted child is sometimes called a “surrogate spouse,” a label used in analyses of the signs and effect of emotional incest to capture how enmeshment and a codependent parent-child relationship can develop. Instead of turning to peers or a partner, the adult leans on the child to soothe insecurity and loneliness.
In a grandparent context, that might sound like, “You love Grandma more than Mom, right?” or “I am the only one who really gets you.” Your child is subtly trained to manage her moods, praise her, and keep her from feeling rejected. This dynamic does not just strain your child, it also reframes affection as a competition you are supposed to lose. The more your child is pulled into that caretaker role, the harder it becomes for them to set healthy boundaries with her and with others later in life.
3) She Undermines Your Parenting Decisions in Front of the Child
She undermines your parenting decisions in front of the child, casting herself as the more understanding, emotionally safe adult. Research on emotional incest describes a dysfunctional family pattern where a parent depends on a child for emotional support, often by aligning with the child against another caregiver. When your mother-in-law dismisses your rules, she is not just second-guessing you, she is recruiting your child as her ally.
Comments like “Your mom is too strict, I would let you” or “You can tell Grandma anything, I will not snitch” invite your child to see her as the primary confidante. That erodes your authority and shifts emotional loyalty away from you. Over time, your child may start hiding things from you to protect Grandma’s special status, deepening the sense that you are in a rivalry instead of on the same parenting team. The stakes are high, because consistent undermining can destabilize your child’s sense of who is actually in charge and safe to rely on.
4) She Insists on Exclusive Time with Your Child, Excluding You
She insists on exclusive time with your child, and the exclusion of you is the point, not a side effect. When a caregiver engages in covert incest, boundaries are often blurred or nonexistent, a pattern described as enmeshment in explanations of what emotional incest is. In that dynamic, the child is placed in a role that feels more like a partner than a grandchild, with private rituals and secrets that shut other adults out.
If your mother-in-law pushes for overnight visits, long trips, or “just us” outings while bristling whenever you join, she may be cultivating a separate emotional world where she is the central figure. That can leave you feeling sidelined in your own child’s life, especially if your child returns repeating her narratives or comparing you unfavorably. The more those exclusive bonds are framed as proof of loyalty, the more your child may feel torn between pleasing her and staying close to you.
5) She Treats Your Child Like a Confidante for Her Relationship Issues
She treats your child like a confidante for her relationship issues, talking about marital dissatisfaction or conflict with your partner as if your child were her peer. Detailed accounts of emotional incest describe it as an unhealthy family dynamic where a parent relies on a child for emotional and practical advice, sometimes about intimate topics that belong in adult conversations. That can include complaints about a spouse, loneliness, or even romantic fantasies.
In a mother-in-law scenario, this might look like her venting about your partner, revisiting old fights, or hinting that she is “unhappy at home” and needs your child to listen. Your child can start to feel responsible for fixing her mood or taking sides in adult conflicts. This not only burdens them with guilt, it also displaces the natural parent-child bond, because your child is busy managing her emotional life instead of relying on you for guidance and security.
6) She Displays Jealousy When Your Child Shows Affection to You
She displays jealousy when your child shows affection to you, reacting with sulking, snide remarks, or attention-grabbing behavior. Analyses of how to recognize emotional incest emphasize that while close parent-child bonds are healthy, problems arise when an adult treats the child as their primary emotional partner and cannot tolerate the child’s other attachments. Jealousy is a clear signal that the relationship has slipped out of a grandparent role.
If your child hugs you and your mother-in-law responds with, “What about Grandma?” or withdraws in visible hurt, she is asking your child to manage her feelings instead of celebrating your bond. That pressure can make your child ration affection, worrying that loving you openly will upset Grandma. Over time, this emotional tug-of-war can normalize the idea that love is scarce and must be earned, shaping how your child approaches friendships and romantic relationships later on.
7) She Encourages Your Child to Prioritize Her Feelings Over Family Norms
She encourages your child to prioritize her feelings over family norms, urging them to keep secrets, break rules, or ignore household expectations to protect her from disappointment. Descriptions of emotional incest highlight how a parent or caregiver may rely on a child for emotional support in ways that become a form of emotional abuse, especially when guilt and loyalty are used to control the child. In this pattern, the child is taught that the adult’s emotional state outranks their own needs and the family’s boundaries.
That might sound like, “Do not tell your parents, it would hurt me,” or “You know I need you more than they do.” Your child learns that protecting Grandma’s feelings is more important than being honest with you or following your rules. This not only undermines your authority, it also traps your child in a role where they feel responsible for an adult’s happiness. Recognizing this pattern early allows you to reset boundaries, clarify that you are the parent, and free your child from a loyalty test they should never have been given.
More from Cultivated Comfort:
- 7 Vintage Home Items From the ’60s That Are Collectors’ Dream Finds
- 7 Vintage Home Goods That Became Collectors’ Gold
- 7 Fast-Food Chains That Changed for the Worse
- 7 Frozen Dinners That Were Better Back in the Day
As a mom of three busy boys, I know how chaotic life can get — but I’ve learned that it’s possible to create a beautiful, cozy home even with kids running around. That’s why I started Cultivated Comfort — to share practical tips, simple systems, and a little encouragement for parents like me who want to make their home feel warm, inviting, and effortlessly stylish. Whether it’s managing toy chaos, streamlining everyday routines, or finding little moments of calm, I’m here to help you simplify your space and create a sense of comfort.
But home is just part of the story. I’m also passionate about seeing the world and creating beautiful meals to share with the people I love. Through Cultivated Comfort, I share my journey of balancing motherhood with building a home that feels rich and peaceful — and finding joy in exploring new places and flavors along the way.
