For nearly two years, she had been no-contact with her narcissistic mother. It wasn’t a decision made lightly; the relief of cutting ties was often overshadowed by a heavy cloud of guilt that lingered, especially with her father acting as an enabler. He was like a lazy coward, always siding with her mom, never calling out the toxic behavior. This left her feeling more alone than ever.
In therapy, they delved deeply into these feelings of guilt. It baffled her how, even after making the choice to distance herself from her mom, she could still spiral into a state of emotional turmoil. A recent incident helped reveal the roots of this overwhelming guilt. She had been seeing a guy who, while charming at first, started to critique her and make her feel dismissed. Convinced that the relationship was going nowhere, she ended things. But when he expressed concern about how it was all happening, saying, “I feel bad about this,” she felt a wave of guilt wash over her.
It was a stark reminder of how her past trauma could rear its ugly head in her present circumstances. Instead of feeling liberated by her decision to cut ties with someone who didn’t value her, she started to spiral. This wasn’t new territory for her, as she had spent her entire life prioritizing others’ feelings over her own. Under the guidance of her therapist, she began to recognize this pattern. It wasn’t just about the guy; it was a reflection of the dynamics she’d grown up with in her family.
“I’m mad at my dad,” she said one day in therapy, allowing herself to express genuine frustration without fear of reprimand. But as she spoke, she felt the all-too-familiar tug of guilt, as if merely acknowledging her anger was somehow inflicting pain on him. It was a confusing contradiction that made her rethink what guilt really meant in this context.
With her therapist’s help, she started to dissect the nature of guilt. They explored the idea of “good guilt” versus “bad guilt.” Good guilt, they concluded, typically leads to acknowledgment and repair of a specific scenario. It has a constructive purpose. But her guilt didn’t fit this mold. She mulled over the question: What would cause this guilt to dissipate? As the answer crystallized, it struck her like a lightning bolt: the only way to absolve her guilt was through compliance.
This realization was monumental. The guilt she had been wrestling with for years was tied directly to her failure to comply with her mother’s and father’s expectations. If she didn’t act in accordance with their wants, guilt would come flooding in, often exacerbated by gaslighting and emotional manipulation. Her mom had a knack for twisting the narrative, making her feel as though her own needs were nothing more than an irritation. A lightbulb went off—her mom’s main focus had always been appearances, and her daughter’s compliance was essential for that façade to remain intact.
She began to piece together how this cycle had played out throughout her childhood and into adulthood. As a kid, when she resisted her parents’ demands, the guilt would come in waves. If she didn’t comply, there would be consequences—resentment from her mom, or a quiet but palpable disappointment from her dad. It was a system built on manipulation and coercion, one designed to keep her in line and devoid of any real connection to her own emotions.
As these realizations unfolded, she felt a strange sense of liberation. Understanding that her guilt was essentially a weapon wielded by her parents helped her to disassociate from it. She could finally see it for what it was: artificial guilt, expertly cultivated to exert control over her. It wasn’t a reflection of love or concern; it was a tool for manipulation.
If anyone else out there is grappling with guilt when it comes to family dynamics, she encourages you to ask yourself a simple question: What would you need to do to resolve that guilt? If the answer is compliance, then know that you are dealing with something unnatural and self-serving—not real guilt, but a construct meant to keep you subdued.
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