It started the way these things always seem to start: with something small, said casually, that lands with a thud. One of my kids mentioned Grandma told them not to tell me about something “because Mom might overreact.” Not “because it’s a surprise,” not “because it’s private,” but because I’m apparently the household weather system—unpredictable, dangerous, best avoided.
I laughed for half a second, waiting for the punchline. It didn’t come. Instead, the room got that weird quiet where you can hear your own thoughts lining up like, “Okay, but why are we practicing secrecy as a life skill?”
Why this hits a nerve for so many parents
On paper, it can sound harmless: a grandparent smoothing over drama, trying to keep the peace, passing down a “don’t rock the boat” mentality. But in real life, asking kids to keep secrets from a parent is a bright, flashing boundary issue. It isn’t about whether you’re strict, relaxed, or somewhere in the middle—it’s about who kids learn to trust with information that affects their safety and well-being.
Experts on child safety have long emphasized the difference between “surprises” and “secrets.” A surprise has a reveal date; a secret is open-ended and often loaded with pressure. When adults teach kids to hide things from their parents, even for “nice” reasons, it can blur that line fast.
The mother-in-law logic: “I’m just helping”
Grandparents who do this often think they’re being protective or practical. Maybe they’ve decided you’re “sensitive,” or they don’t like the way you parent, or they believe children should be seen and not heard unless they’re agreeing. Sometimes it’s even pitched as bonding: “You can tell Grandma anything.”
But bonding that depends on excluding a parent is a shaky kind of closeness. It asks kids to manage adult feelings, and kids are already busy learning how to spell and keep their socks on. Nobody needs to add “secret-keeping diplomat” to their after-school schedule.
Then there’s the husband problem (the sneaky big one)
If you’ve ever tried to bring up an in-law issue and got hit with, “You’re looking for problems,” you know how isolating it feels. It turns a legitimate concern into a personality flaw. Suddenly you’re not addressing a behavior—now you’re “dramatic,” “too sensitive,” or “always upset about something.”
In this case, the husband’s defense is that his mom is “old-school.” That phrase can mean a lot of things—some charming, some not. But “old-school” doesn’t get a free pass when it teaches kids to hide information from the parent who’s responsible for them.
“Overreacting” is a convenient label
The word “overreact” is doing a lot of heavy lifting here. It’s a way to pre-judge your response and make your reaction the issue, rather than the behavior that caused it. It’s also a subtle message to the kids: Mom’s emotions are dangerous, so keep her in the dark.
And that’s the thing—when kids are told you’ll “overreact,” they start managing you instead of trusting you. They may edit what they share, minimize problems, or wait too long to tell you something important. Even if the original “secret” was about ice cream before dinner, the pattern it teaches can be much bigger.
What’s actually at stake: trust, safety, and authority
This isn’t about wanting total control or needing to know every detail of a grandparent visit. It’s about trust inside the parent-child relationship. Kids should know, deep down, that if something feels weird, scary, confusing, or even just uncomfortable, they can come to you and you’ll handle it.
When another adult positions themselves as the “safe” person and paints you as the “unsafe” one, it chips away at that foundation. It can also create a weird tug-of-war where kids feel like they’re betraying someone no matter what they do. That’s too heavy a burden for little shoulders.
The tricky part: not every secret looks dangerous at first
Most families don’t discover this with a dramatic headline moment. It’s usually a slow drip: “Don’t tell Mom we watched that movie,” “Don’t tell Dad you had soda,” “Just keep it between us.” Each one seems small enough to shrug off, until you realize you’re being gradually written out of the loop.
And even if Grandma’s intentions are truly benign, the habit is still a problem. Kids learn by repetition, not by footnotes. If the rule is “it’s fine to hide things from Mom,” kids won’t always know when it stops being fine.
How parents are handling it without turning Thanksgiving into a courtroom drama
Many parents in this situation try a two-step approach: address the kids first, then address the adults. With the kids, the message is simple and calm: “In our family, grown-ups don’t ask you to keep secrets from Mom or Dad. Surprises are okay, but secrets aren’t.” You can even give them a script like, “I don’t keep secrets from my parents.”
With the mother-in-law, the most effective conversations tend to be short, clear, and non-negotiable. Something like: “Please don’t ask the kids to keep secrets from me. If there’s something you think I’ll react to, talk to me directly.” No debate club, no long history lesson, just a boundary.
Where the husband fits in (whether he likes it or not)
The spouse piece matters because boundaries work best when they’re enforced by the adult whose parent is crossing the line. If the husband waves it off as “old-school,” he’s unintentionally telling everyone—his mom, his wife, and the kids—that Mom’s discomfort doesn’t count. That’s not neutral; it’s taking a side.
Some couples find it helps to reframe the issue away from “your mom annoys me” and toward “this is a safety and trust rule for our kids.” It’s harder to dismiss when it’s about protecting the parent-child relationship, not policing Grandma’s personality. And if he still can’t see it, that’s a bigger conversation about partnership and respect, not just in-laws.
The bottom line families are landing on
Plenty of grandparents are loving, helpful, and wonderfully involved—and still need boundaries. Being from a different generation doesn’t make someone automatically wrong, but it also doesn’t make them automatically right. If a behavior undermines trust or encourages secrecy, it’s worth addressing, kindly but firmly.
Because the goal isn’t to “win” against a mother-in-law or prove you’re not dramatic. The goal is to make sure your kids never feel like they have to choose between being honest and being loved. And honestly, that’s not an overreaction—that’s just good parenting.
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As a mom of three busy boys, I know how chaotic life can get — but I’ve learned that it’s possible to create a beautiful, cozy home even with kids running around. That’s why I started Cultivated Comfort — to share practical tips, simple systems, and a little encouragement for parents like me who want to make their home feel warm, inviting, and effortlessly stylish. Whether it’s managing toy chaos, streamlining everyday routines, or finding little moments of calm, I’m here to help you simplify your space and create a sense of comfort.
But home is just part of the story. I’m also passionate about seeing the world and creating beautiful meals to share with the people I love. Through Cultivated Comfort, I share my journey of balancing motherhood with building a home that feels rich and peaceful — and finding joy in exploring new places and flavors along the way.
