Ask anyone who has been caught in a romance scam and they will likely tell you the same thing: it did not feel like a scam. It felt like the best thing to happen in years. That is exactly why these cons work, and it is the heart of a recent ConsumerAffairs report on why victims have such a hard time recognizing what is happening to them.
The report draws on the insights of journalist Mariana van Zeller and on guidance from the Federal Trade Commission. It arrives around the release of the documentary Super Scam Me, which premiered October 17 on Disney+ and Hulu. The lesson from all of it is a plain one: the scammer is not just after your money, but also after your trust, and they are very good at getting it.
Love Bombing Comes First
One of the main tools in the scammer’s kit is something called love bombing. That means showering a person with affection, attention and flattery, fast. Constant messages, long conversations, compliments that feel like exactly what you needed to hear. When you are lonely, or when you have simply missed being noticed, it can feel wonderful.
That is the trap. The speed and intensity are not a sign of a deep connection. They are a technique. Real relationships usually build over time, and someone who is already talking about love and the future after a short stretch of online chatting deserves a second look.
The Excuses That Should Raise a Red Flag
The report also points to the excuses scammers use to explain why they cannot meet you in person. Two common ones are military service overseas and working on an offshore oil rig. Both sound respectable, and both conveniently put the person far away and hard to reach.
That does not mean everyone who serves overseas or works on a rig is a scammer. Of course not. But when a new online love interest has a story that keeps them out of reach, and that story eventually leads to a request for money, the pattern should set off alarms. An excuse that keeps you from meeting is a big part of how the scheme stays alive.
Protect Yourself With These Steps
The good news is that the protective steps are simple, and anyone can use them. Here is what the report recommends.
- Talk with someone you trust. A friend, a relative or a neighbor can see what you cannot, because they are not caught up in the feelings. If you feel the urge to keep the relationship secret, that is worth noticing.
- Run a reverse image search on profile photos. If the pictures of your new connection show up under other names or on other sites, that is a warning sign.
- Never send money or gifts to someone you have not met in person. This is the most important rule of all. It does not matter how good the reason sounds or how urgent it feels.
If You Already Sent Money
If you realize you have paid someone you only know online, do not be embarrassed and do not wait. Contact your bank right away and tell them what happened. Then report it at ReportFraud.ftc.gov, the Federal Trade Commission’s site for reporting fraud.
Speed matters, and so does speaking up.
Why Smart People Fall for It
There is a myth that only gullible people fall for romance scams. The reality is the opposite. These schemes are built to work on thoughtful, caring, capable people, because they use real human needs: companionship, being seen, and the hope that someone cares. Being fooled does not make you foolish. It makes you human, and it makes you a target for someone who studies how to exploit that.
Because the feelings are real on your side, it can be very hard to question them. That is why having an outside voice matters so much. Share the messages. Show someone the photos. Ask them what they see.
If You Are Worried About Someone Else
Sometimes the person who spots the warning signs is not the one in the relationship. If a friend or family member seems to be falling for someone they have only met online, try asking questions instead of making accusations. Ask how they met, whether they have talked on the phone, and whether the person has ever asked for anything. Gentle curiosity keeps the door open, while a harsh judgment can push someone closer to the scammer.
A Few Questions to Ask Yourself
- Does this person always have a reason they cannot meet or video chat?
- Did the relationship move very fast, with lots of affection early on?
- Have they asked for money, gifts or help paying for something?
- Do their photos appear anywhere else under a different name?
If the answer to any of these is yes, pause. Take a breath, talk to someone you trust, and do not send anything until you have.
The Bottom Line
Online dating can lead to real and lovely connections, and nobody should have to give up hope because scammers exist. But go in with open eyes. Love bombing, convenient excuses and requests for money are the signs to watch for, and the cure is a mix of patience, outside opinions and one firm rule: no money or gifts for someone you have not met in person.
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