Some friendships feel warmest when your life is on fire. A friend who only lights up when you are struggling can quietly drain your confidence, energy, and support system. These ten red flags show how conditional care, untrustworthy behavior, and burnout-style stress patterns can reveal a friend who prefers you broken rather than thriving.
1) They Only Reach Out During Your Crises
They only reach out during your crises, and that pattern is a classic sign you cannot fully rely on them. When someone consistently appears only when you are heartbroken, broke, or overwhelmed, it mirrors the kind of inconsistent support flagged in lists of untrustworthy people. The contact is not about steady care, it is about proximity to drama. You may notice they rarely text first when things are calm, or they vanish once the emergency passes.
This crisis-only attention keeps you stuck in the role of the struggling friend, which can quietly reinforce low self-worth. It also distorts your sense of what real support looks like, because you start to equate panic with closeness. Over time, that dynamic can make it harder to trust people who show up in quieter, healthier ways, and it can leave you more vulnerable when a genuine emergency hits.
2) They Dismiss Your Successes Quickly
They dismiss your successes quickly, which is another major red flag when you look at patterns of unreliable or self-focused behavior. Instead of celebrating your promotion, new relationship, or clean bill of health, they change the subject, minimize it, or point out what could go wrong. Guides on spotting unsafe relationships note that people who cannot be “the wind beneath your wings” when you succeed are not safe to trust, a pattern echoed in warnings about who might not be safe to trust.
When a friend seems more animated by your pain than your progress, it suggests they are invested in you staying small. That can chip away at your motivation to pursue goals, because you subconsciously brace for their cool reaction. Over time, you may even downplay good news to keep the peace, which keeps the friendship centered on your hardship instead of your growth.
3) They Share Your Struggles Without Permission
They share your struggles without permission, turning your lowest moments into social currency. If you confide about a panic attack, a messy breakup, or a medical scare and later hear your story repeated in another group chat, that is a direct breach of trust. Psychology-focused breakdowns of red flags highlight how gossip and oversharing are core traits of people you should keep out of your inner circle, a point reinforced in analyses of someone not to be trusted.
This behavior is especially toxic when the friend seems most eager to retell the ugliest parts of your story. It keeps you frozen in the identity of “the one who is struggling” and can even make you hesitate to seek help again. The stakes are high, because when you cannot trust a friend with sensitive information, you may delay reaching out in future crises, which can worsen mental health symptoms or unsafe situations.
4) They Offer Help But Rarely Follow Through
They offer help but rarely follow through, which turns your hardship into a stage for their empty promises. They might insist they will drive you to an appointment, help you edit a résumé, or watch your kids, then cancel at the last minute or simply forget. Commenters dissecting trust issues point out that being unreliable is different from a one-off mistake, and repeated failure to uphold promises is a clear sign of someone you should not lean on, a distinction captured in discussions like the surest sign you can’t trust someone.
When you are already struggling, this pattern can be brutal. You reorganize your day around their offer, only to scramble when they disappear. Over time, you may start overcompensating, doing everything yourself because you assume people will let you down, which increases burnout and reinforces the idea that your needs are “too much.”
5) They One-Up Your Problems with Their Own
They one-up your problems with their own, turning every conversation about your pain into a competition. You mention being exhausted from double shifts, and they immediately insist their workload is worse. You share that your anxiety is spiking, and they pivot to how their stress “would put yours to shame.” Relationship experts warn that this kind of competitive negativity is a hallmark of people who center themselves instead of listening, a pattern that shows up in lists of red flags that point to someone you can’t trust.
In friendships that only feel alive when you are struggling, this one-upping keeps the emotional temperature high and the focus on distress. It also teaches you that vulnerability will be hijacked, not held. Over time, you may stop sharing honestly, which isolates you further and can make your actual problems harder to address.
6) They Avoid Accountability for Their Actions
They avoid accountability for their actions, especially when their behavior worsens your struggles. If they leak your secrets, miss key events, or say something cruel while you are already down, they quickly blame stress, misunderstanding, or even you. Breakdowns of unsafe dynamics emphasize that people who chronically dodge responsibility are signaling deeper character issues, a theme that appears in warnings about someone who will let you down.
This refusal to own harm keeps you trapped in a loop where you are always overexplaining your feelings. You may start questioning your memory or standards, which is especially dangerous when you are already depleted. In the long run, a friend who never apologizes or changes will keep repeating the same injuries, often at the exact moments you most need stability.
7) They Manipulate Your Emotions for Attention
They manipulate your emotions for attention, using your low points to secure their own importance. That might look like exaggerating how worried they are about you in group chats, sulking if you lean on someone else, or hinting that without them you would “fall apart.” Commentators on toxic dynamics note that emotional manipulation is a core feature of people you cannot safely rely on, a pattern echoed in breakdowns of identifying the red flags.
When a friend ties your pain to their need for validation, it becomes harder to set boundaries or seek more balanced support. You may feel guilty for getting better, because your healing threatens their role as rescuer. That pressure can subtly incentivize you to stay in crisis mode, which is the opposite of what a healthy friendship should do.
8) They Encourage Isolation from Other Supports
They encourage isolation from other supports, which mirrors how burnout and chronic stress push people to withdraw. If a friend rolls their eyes when you mention therapy, criticizes your partner, or complains when you spend time with family, they are nudging you away from the very networks that could help you stabilize. Coverage of parental burnout highlights social withdrawal as a key warning sign, noting that when people feel overwhelmed, they often pull back from community, a pattern described in guidance on burnout red flags.
In a friendship that thrives on your struggle, this isolation is not accidental, it keeps you dependent. With fewer outside perspectives, it becomes easier for them to define what is “normal” and to downplay their own harmful behavior. The broader risk is that you lose access to practical help and reality checks, which can deepen both emotional and financial strain.
9) They Amplify Your Anxiety Instead of Easing It
They amplify your anxiety instead of easing it, feeding the very stress that is wearing you down. When you share a worry, they immediately jump to worst-case scenarios, send you alarming TikToks, or remind you of every time something similar went badly. Mental health reporting on stress and burnout notes that constant overload of alarming information is a major driver of anxiety spirals, a pattern that parallels how some friends respond when you are already on edge, as seen in discussions of biggest red flags.
Rather than helping you regulate, this friend keeps your nervous system on high alert, which can disrupt sleep, concentration, and decision-making. Over time, you may start catastrophizing by default, because that is the emotional tone they set. In a relationship that only feels close when you are panicked, calm problem-solving is almost absent, which makes real recovery much harder.
10) They Show Inconsistent Emotional Availability
They show inconsistent emotional availability, swinging between intense presence when you are in crisis and cool distance when you stabilize. One week they are sending long late-night messages and insisting you can “tell them anything,” the next they leave your texts unread once you start feeling better. Relationship experts flag this kind of hot-and-cold pattern as a communication breakdown that erodes trust, similar to the inconsistent support described in guides to relationship red flags.
For you, the impact is confusion and emotional whiplash. You may start escalating your own distress just to get them to re-engage, which reinforces the idea that you are only worthy of attention when you are suffering. Over time, that conditioning can shape how you show up in other relationships, making it harder to believe that steady, low-drama care is possible.
Supporting sources: 7 Red Flags You Should Never Ignore in a Friend ….
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