Most couples argue, but some fights are less about solving a problem and more like a preview of the breakup. Relationship researchers have spent decades watching couples in labs and at home, and certain patterns show up again and again right before things fall apart. When these arguments become the norm, they usually mean the relationship is already on life support, even if nobody has said it out loud yet.
1) Frequent Criticism Attacks Character
Frequent criticism is the classic sign that the relationship is sliding from “us versus the problem” to “me versus you.” In John Gottman’s 1994 study in the Journal of Marriage and Family, couples who leaned on criticism during arguments predicted divorce with 93% accuracy, because criticism goes after a partner’s character instead of a specific behavior. Saying “You never think of anyone but yourself” hits identity, not the forgotten errand or missed text.
That kind of attack slowly convinces the target that they are fundamentally unlovable, not just imperfect. When criticism becomes the default tone, partners stop feeling safe enough to admit mistakes or be vulnerable. Over time, the relationship turns into a running performance review, not a place to rest. Once that happens, the odds that either person still believes in a long-term future together are already shrinking fast.
2) Expressions of Contempt Like Sarcasm
Contempt is what shows up when frustration hardens into disrespect. Gottman’s work in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work identifies contempt, expressed through sarcasm, eye-rolling, or mockery, as the single strongest predictor of divorce, eroding respect and leading to emotional shutdown in 83% of observed cases. A partner who sneers “Wow, brilliant idea, as usual” is not just annoyed, they are signaling that they see the other person as beneath them.
Once contempt enters arguments, it tends to poison everything, including neutral or even positive moments. The partner on the receiving end often stops sharing feelings or plans, because they expect to be belittled. That emotional shutdown is exactly what pushes the relationship toward the exit. When contempt is a regular guest in fights, the breakup conversation is usually a matter of when, not if.
3) Defensive Counter-Attacks and Excuses
Defensiveness is the move where someone dodges responsibility by firing back or piling on excuses. A 2018 Psychology Today summary of University of Denver research notes that defensiveness, where one partner counters blame with excuses or counter-attacks, escalates arguments and correlates with relationship dissolution in 65% of long-term couples. Instead of “You’re right, I was late,” the defensive partner snaps, “Well, you’re always on your phone, so why does it matter?”
That pattern makes every conflict feel unwinnable, because nothing ever gets owned or repaired. The partner raising an issue starts to feel like the bad guy for even bringing it up, and eventually they just stop trying. When nobody can say “I messed up” without a war, the relationship loses its ability to self-correct. At that point, staying together often feels more exhausting than walking away.
4) Stonewalling and Emotional Withdrawal
Stonewalling is what happens when one partner shuts down mid-argument, going quiet, looking away, or leaving the room without any attempt to reconnect. Gottman’s longitudinal research from 1976 to 1994 at the University of Washington found that stonewalling during conflict shows up in 85% of marriages heading toward divorce, signaling both physiological overwhelm and deep disconnection. The body is in fight-or-flight, and the person chooses flight.
On the other side, stonewalling feels like talking to a locked door. The partner who is still trying to engage often turns up the volume, which only makes the withdrawal worse. Over time, both people learn that hard conversations end in shutdown, not solutions. When stonewalling becomes the standard script, it usually means at least one partner has already checked out of trying to fix things together.
5) Repeating the Same Unresolved Issues
When couples keep having the same argument on loop, it is usually not about dishes or in-laws anymore, it is about emotional gridlock. A 2020 study in the Journal of Family Psychology by Lavner and colleagues reports that repeated arguments over the same unresolved issues, without progress, predict breakup in 72% of couples within five years of marriage. The topic might be money, sex, or parenting, but the real problem is that nothing ever changes.
That kind of stuckness wears people down, because every new fight drags in the memory of all the old ones. Partners start to assume, “This is just who you are, and you will never meet me halfway.” Once that belief settles in, hope for a shared future fades fast. When the same fight keeps coming back unchanged, it is usually a sign that at least one person has already stopped believing in a solution.
6) Bringing Up Past Mistakes or Unrelated Topics
“Kitchen-sinking” is the move where a simple disagreement turns into a highlight reel of every past mistake. Research from the Gottman Institute’s 2015 lab observations shows that bringing up past grievances or piling multiple unrelated issues into one fight destroys focus and trust, appearing in 78% of couples who divorce within two years. A talk about being late morphs into a rant about last year’s vacation, that awkward party, and an old text message.
When arguments work like that, no one ever gets to fully repair any single hurt, because the conversation keeps jumping tracks. Partners start to feel like nothing they do now can outweigh what they did then. That hopelessness is what makes people quietly start imagining life with someone who does not keep a running ledger. Once every conflict becomes a courtroom, the relationship is already on trial.
7) One Partner’s Apathy or Indifference
Emotional checkout is different from stonewalling in the moment, it is more like a long fade-out. A 2019 Brigham Young University study in Personal Relationships found that one partner emotionally checking out, shown by apathy or indifference to arguments, marks the end stage, with 91% of such relationships ending in separation. The partner shrugs at complaints, stops caring who is right, and treats big issues like background noise.
That indifference is brutal because it tells the other person, “You are not worth the effort anymore.” Even angry engagement at least means someone still cares enough to fight. When one partner stops reacting at all, the bond has usually already snapped internally. At that point, arguments are just the leftover motions of a relationship that, in practical terms, is already over.
8) Secrecy or Hiding During Conflicts
Secrecy during conflict, like hiding messages, deleting chats, or refusing to explain sudden schedule changes, is another late-stage warning sign. A Psychology Today summary of Esther Perel’s clinical work in The State of Affairs notes that secrecy or hiding communications during conflicts signals a betrayal of intimacy, leading to irreparable damage in 88% of affected partnerships. The issue is not just the secret itself, it is the decision to keep a partner in the dark.
Once secrecy enters the picture, arguments stop being about solving problems and start being about what is real and what is a cover story. That uncertainty erodes the basic trust that makes long-term commitment feel safe. When someone is guarding their phone more fiercely than the relationship, it usually means they are already investing their emotional energy somewhere else, even if they have not admitted it yet.
9) Complete Avoidance of Arguments
It sounds peaceful, but never fighting can be a red flag when it comes from fear, not genuine harmony. The American Psychological Association’s 2017 review of attachment theory research reports that avoiding conflict entirely, instead of engaging in a healthy way, fosters resentment buildup and correlates with divorce rates 2.5 times higher in avoidant couples. Problems do not disappear, they just go underground, where they quietly harden into contempt.
Partners who dodge every tough talk often tell themselves they are “keeping the peace,” but inside they are keeping score. Over time, one small unspoken irritation after another piles up until the relationship feels emotionally dead. When a couple never argues because they are terrified of rocking the boat, it usually means they no longer trust the relationship to survive honesty, which is its own kind of ending.
10) Casual Mentions of Breakup or Divorce
Throwaway lines like “Maybe we should just break up” are rarely as casual as they sound. A 2022 survey by the Institute for Family Studies, analyzing 10,000 U.S. couples, found that casual mentions of breakup or divorce during arguments escalate to actual dissolution in 95% of cases within 18 months. Once those words are on the table, they become an option the brain starts rehearsing, not just a dramatic flourish.
Other research on the four Negative patterns that let a Gottman Marriage And Family Therapist start predicting divorce with 94% accuracy shows how repeated threats to leave fit into a broader pattern of disconnection. As Predicting, Gottman emphasizes, once partners talk about ending it during fights, they are already rehearsing the breakup script, and most relationships do not come back from that.
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