In friendships, transparency and mutual support are essential for maintaining healthy relationships. However, some individuals may engage in a behavior known as “keeping score,” which can create tension and mistrust. Recognizing the signs that a friend is keeping tabs on your relationship can help you address the issue before it escalates.
1. They Frequently Remind You of Past Favors
One of the most telling signs that a friend is keeping score is their tendency to bring up past favors or sacrifices. If your friend often reminds you of what they have done for you, it may indicate that they are tracking the balance of give-and-take in your friendship. Healthy relationships should be built on unconditional support, not a ledger of debts and credits.
This behavior can manifest in casual conversations or serious discussions. For example, if your friend consistently mentions how they helped you during a difficult time, it may signal their underlying expectation for you to reciprocate in the future. Pay attention to these cues, as they can be a red flag for a potentially toxic dynamic.
2. They Seem Upset When You Don’t Include Them
Another sign that a friend may be keeping score is their reaction when you don’t include them in social activities. If your friend becomes visibly upset or takes offense when you make plans without them, it could indicate that they feel entitled to your time and attention. This behavior often stems from an unspoken expectation that you should prioritize your friendship above other relationships.
While it’s natural for friends to want to spend time together, a scorekeeper might express their disappointment in a way that feels accusatory or passive-aggressive. If you notice this pattern, assess whether your friend values your companionship or if they are more focused on maintaining their place in your social circle.
3. They Keep Tabs on Your Life Events
Friends should be supportive during significant life events, but a scorekeeper may take a different approach. If your friend appears to keep track of milestones in your life, such as promotions, birthdays, or anniversaries, only to remind you of their own comparable achievements later, they may be operating from a place of competition.
This behavior can be particularly disheartening, as it shifts the focus from genuine celebration to comparison. Instead of rejoicing in your successes, a scorekeeping friend may subtly or overtly highlight their own accomplishments. A healthy friendship should foster encouragement and positivity, rather than competition and resentment.
4. They Act Jealous or Competitive
A friend who keeps score may exhibit signs of jealousy or competitiveness, especially when you achieve something significant. If your friend seems less than enthusiastic about your accomplishments or reacts with sarcasm, it may indicate they feel threatened or resentful. This can create a strained atmosphere in your relationship, as genuine support becomes overshadowed by rivalry.
Jealousy can manifest in various ways, including dismissive comments or an unwillingness to celebrate your achievements. Recognizing this behavior is crucial, as it can lead to a toxic friendship dynamic. Evaluate whether your friend is truly happy for you or if they are more concerned about their own status.
5. They Use Guilt as a Tool
Finally, a significant indicator that a friend is keeping score is their tendency to use guilt as a means of control. If you find yourself feeling obligated to meet their expectations or make amends for perceived slights, it may suggest that your friend is leveraging guilt to maintain power in the relationship. This can create an unhealthy balance where you feel pressured to constantly prove your worthiness as a friend.
Using guilt as a tactic can be particularly damaging, as it can erode trust and emotional safety in the friendship. When you feel you must walk on eggshells around a friend, it’s essential to consider whether this relationship is serving you in a positive way. Healthy friendships should promote open communication and understanding, rather than emotional manipulation.
Addressing the Issue
If you recognize these signs in a friendship, it’s essential to address the issue head-on. Open communication is key; consider discussing your feelings and observations with your friend. They may not even realize their behavior has become problematic, and a conversation could lead to a better understanding and improvement in your relationship.
In some cases, it may become evident that the friendship is more harmful than beneficial. Recognizing when to step back or even end a toxic friendship is crucial for your well-being. Ultimately, friendships should be reciprocal and supportive, without the shadow of a scorecard hanging over them.
As a mom of three busy boys, I know how chaotic life can get — but I’ve learned that it’s possible to create a beautiful, cozy home even with kids running around. That’s why I started Cultivated Comfort — to share practical tips, simple systems, and a little encouragement for parents like me who want to make their home feel warm, inviting, and effortlessly stylish. Whether it’s managing toy chaos, streamlining everyday routines, or finding little moments of calm, I’m here to help you simplify your space and create a sense of comfort.
But home is just part of the story. I’m also passionate about seeing the world and creating beautiful meals to share with the people I love. Through Cultivated Comfort, I share my journey of balancing motherhood with building a home that feels rich and peaceful — and finding joy in exploring new places and flavors along the way.
