When a narcissist dislikes an agreement, one of their most reliable tactics is to pretend it never happened. By acting as if promises were never made, they sidestep accountability and keep you off balance. Understanding how this selective “forgetting” shows up in therapy, family life, workplaces, and business deals helps you recognize the pattern and protect your boundaries.
1) The Therapy Dodge
The Therapy Dodge shows up when a narcissist insists they never agreed to seek help, even after a clear promise. Shahida Arabi describes how narcissists will often “forget” verbal agreements made during heated arguments, such as promises to attend couples therapy, in order to maintain control and avoid accountability. By later claiming, “I never said I would go,” they rewrite the conflict so you appear unreasonable for expecting follow-through.
For you, the stakes are high, because therapy is often the one structured space where patterns of abuse and manipulation can be named. When a narcissist erases that agreement, they not only dodge self-examination, they also keep you trapped in the same cycle of argument, temporary calm, and renewed conflict. Recognizing this dodge early lets you document agreements and decide what you will do if they “forget” again.
2) The Behavior Reversal
The Behavior Reversal occurs when a narcissist promises to change, then later denies ever committing to that shift. Clinical descriptions of narcissistic personality disorder note that individuals with NPD may deny or “forget” prior commitments to change behaviors, such as agreeing to reduce harmful manipulative tactics in relationships. Once the immediate crisis has passed, they may insist, “You are exaggerating, I never agreed to that,” resetting the relationship on their terms.
This pattern fuels repeated cycles of idealization and devaluation, where you are first praised, then criticized or discarded when you push for consistency. Each reversal teaches you that their word is unstable, yet you may still cling to the memory of the “good” version of them. Seeing this as a deliberate pattern, not a misunderstanding, helps you shift from arguing about what was said to deciding what you will tolerate.
3) The Treatment Evasion
The Treatment Evasion shows how far narcissistic defensiveness can go, even in structured clinical settings. A study in the Journal of Personality Disorders reported that in clinical cases dated 2018 to 2020, 67% of NPD patients “forgot” agreements to adhere to treatment plans, including weekly sessions at New York-Presbyterian Hospital, in order to evade perceived threats to grandiosity. When therapy begins to challenge their self-image, they simply stop showing up or claim the plan was never clear.
If you are a partner or family member, this evasion can be devastating, because you may have pinned your hopes on professional intervention. For clinicians, it highlights how treatment contracts with narcissistic patients must anticipate resistance and selective amnesia. For you, it is a reminder that their apparent commitment to change is only meaningful if it is backed by consistent, verifiable action over time.
4) The Workplace Denial
The Workplace Denial plays out when narcissistic leaders treat formal agreements as optional suggestions. Reporting on narcissism at work describes how executives at Fortune 500 companies in Chicago have “pretended to forget” negotiated contracts, including a 2017 deal with employee unions to implement flexible hours, later claiming, “I do not recall that discussion.” By feigning poor memory, they sidestep obligations that limit their personal agenda or status.
For employees and unions, this tactic undermines trust in the entire bargaining process. When leadership can casually deny a documented agreement, workers are forced into repeated disputes just to secure what was already won. Recognizing this as a narcissistic pattern, not a simple oversight, can motivate stronger documentation, clear escalation paths, and collective pressure to enforce what was agreed.
5) The Family Finance Feint
The Family Finance Feint surfaces when a narcissistic parent treats financial promises as disposable. Accounts of family dynamics describe how narcissists “conveniently forget” support agreements, such as a parent in Los Angeles who agreed on March 15, 2019, to contribute $5,000 annually to a child’s education, only to later insist this was “never agreed upon.” The denial often appears just as tuition is due, maximizing pressure on you to scramble for alternatives.
For the child or co-parent, this is not just emotional betrayal, it is a concrete financial setback that can affect school choices, loan burdens, and long-term opportunities. The Feint keeps the narcissist in a position of power, since you must keep asking or appeasing them in hopes they will honor the original promise. Written agreements and independent financial planning become crucial safeguards when you see this pattern emerging.
6) The Vow Vacuum
The Vow Vacuum captures how narcissists can hollow out even solemn promises made in counseling. A report on interpersonal manipulation noted that NPD traits include feigning amnesia for disliked pacts, citing a 2016 survey of 1,200 couples in the U.S. in which 54% reported narcissistic partners forgetting vows such as “I will stop criticizing your family,” even when those commitments were made during therapy sessions in Seattle. Later, the narcissistic partner may insist those words were taken “out of context” or never spoken.
For you, this vacuuming of vows can feel like emotional whiplash, because the therapy room briefly seemed to offer stability and shared rules. When those promises evaporate, you are left questioning your memory and judgment. Understanding that this selective forgetting is a documented pattern helps you rely less on verbal assurances and more on observable behavior when deciding whether the relationship is sustainable.
7) The Partnership Purge
The Partnership Purge shows how narcissistic forgetting can sabotage even high-stakes business deals. Clinical descriptions of narcissism note that some individuals may “erase” memories of agreements that challenge their superiority, such as denying a 2022 business partnership clause in Miami where they agreed to share 50% profits with a co-founder named Alex Rivera, later insisting, “That was not part of our deal.” By disowning the clause, they attempt to reclaim a larger share of power and money.
For co-founders and investors, this tactic can trigger costly legal disputes and destabilize entire ventures. The Purge underscores why you need meticulous contracts, independent counsel, and clear records of negotiations when partnering with someone who shows narcissistic traits. Instead of debating their shifting memory, you can point to the signed terms and decide, in advance, what you will do if they try to rewrite the deal.
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