“So I got broken up with two hours after I moved to New York.” That is the first sentence Ryan Crouse says, hood up, phone held close, with a red wall behind him. A few seconds later he explains where he is filming from: “I’m sitting on my fire escape right now.”
The video, posted by @ryancrouse with the caption “a very vulnerable post for me,” runs about two minutes. There are no cuts to texts or photos and no other person in it. It is one take of him talking through the first hours of a breakup in a city he had only just arrived in.
The timing is the part he keeps coming back to. He says he “moved across the world to New York with so much confidence with this idea that this person was gonna be like a great addition to my life,” and that he could “really see my lifestyle here.” Then, in his words, “literally two hours after I got here it just completely flipped on me.”
He does not say who the person is, how long they had been dating or what reason he was given. What he does say is that it came “out of nowhere,” that “it just didn’t really make sense,” and that “it still doesn’t really make sense to me.” He describes the relationship as a good one: “I have not had such a great experience dating somebody in a really long time,” and this was “somebody that I genuinely saw at least the near future with.”
Much of the video is him describing how he is wired. “When I get into a relationship with somebody or I’m dating somebody it is very intense for me,” he says, adding that he attaches to people “quite quickly and very strongly.” When that ends, he says, “it’s like the end of the world,” and the hardest part is “watching them move on because they always move on so quickly.” He tells viewers he has “not been this down bad in years” and that he had “forgot what this feels like.”
He is also careful not to make anyone the villain. He says it is especially hard “when like there’s no one to blame.” “Everything was actually amazing, it was really good, it’s just like sometimes the timing isn’t right and it doesn’t work out.”
The low point of the video is when he talks about the pattern rather than this one breakup. He says “these repetitive experiences just make me lose so much hope in my happiness and my life,” and that being disappointed “literally every single year of my life” is why he describes himself as “so sporadic with everything I do.” Near the end he says, “I know that I can get through it but it just never hurts less,” and his last words are that he just does not want to experience it.
What Helps in the First Days After a Sudden Breakup
Ryan’s breakup came two hours after he arrived in a city he had just moved to. If you are in the same spot, or you are the friend of someone who is, these steps come from counseling and psychology sources.
Put structure back into the day. The American University Counseling Center’s guide to healing a broken heart recommends keeping a set schedule of activities, which it says can “temporarily serve to fill the void left by the partner,” and warns that you should expect to be less productive for a while. In a new city, that can be as simple as fixed times for meals, a walk through the new neighborhood and one errand that makes the apartment feel lived in.
Talk to people outside the relationship. The same guide suggests journaling or talking with loved ones who are not involved in the relationship. Ryan’s video is a version of that; a phone call to someone from home who knew him before the move is another.
Try a short, specific writing exercise. Florida Institute of Technology’s School of Psychology describes a 2009 study by Gary Lewandowski in The Journal of Positive Psychology in which nearly 100 people who had gone through a breakup in the previous three months wrote for 15 to 30 minutes a day for three days. Those who wrote about positive aspects of the breakup reported more positive emotions, such as confidence and optimism, two days later, without any increase in negative emotions. For someone who says it “doesn’t really make sense,” a few minutes of writing about what the move still offers on its own terms is a concrete place to start.
Keep the move separate from the person. Ryan says he could “really see my lifestyle here.” It is worth writing down which parts of that picture never depended on the relationship: the neighborhood, the city itself and the reasons New York appealed in the first place.
Know where to turn if hope runs out. Ryan talks about losing hope “in my happiness and my life.” According to the U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is available 24/7 by call or text to 988 or by chat at 988lifeline.org, and it lists emotional distress and loneliness among the reasons to reach out, not only a crisis. The American University guide also says counseling is especially important when anxiety, depression or anger feel intense.
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