Relationship coaches frequently point out that it is not just what couples argue about that determines how damaging a fight becomes, but the specific language used while arguing. A handful of phrases come up repeatedly as ones to avoid entirely.
1. ‘You always’ or ‘you never’
Coaches say absolute language turns a specific complaint into a sweeping character attack, which tends to put the other person on the defensive instead of toward resolution.
2. ‘Calm down’
Telling someone to calm down in the middle of a disagreement, coaches note, almost always escalates the tension rather than easing it.
3. ‘I guess I’m just a bad partner then’
Coaches describe this kind of self-pitying deflection as a way of avoiding accountability by making the other person comfort you instead.
4. ‘Fine, whatever’
Shutting down rather than engaging signals withdrawal, which coaches say leaves the underlying issue unresolved and likely to resurface.
5. Bringing up a past relationship for comparison
Comparing a current partner unfavorably to an ex during a disagreement, coaches say, rarely serves the actual issue and tends to cause lasting damage.
Coaches generally agree the goal during conflict is staying focused on the specific issue at hand. The phrases above tend to do the opposite, widening a disagreement rather than resolving it.
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