A woman says she left her boyfriend’s apartment while he was drunk and grabbing her legs to stop her, but he insists she’s “not ready for a relationship”

She was trying to walk out of his apartment. He was drunk. Instead of letting her go, he grabbed her legs and held on, physically stopping her from reaching the door. When she later confronted him about it, his response was not an apology. He told her she was “not ready for a relationship.”

That combination of physical force followed by blame-shifting is not just a bad night. Domestic violence researchers and advocates say it reflects a recognizable pattern: one partner uses their body to control the other’s movement, then reframes the other person’s fear as a character flaw. Understanding why that sequence matters can help people in similar situations recognize what they are dealing with before it gets worse.

Grabbing and restraining a partner is physical abuse

There is a common misconception that physical abuse requires punching, slapping or leaving visible injuries. That is not how domestic violence professionals define it. The National Domestic Violence Hotline defines physical abuse as any intentional use of physical force with the potential to cause harm, injury, disability or death. That includes grabbing, restraining and blocking someone from leaving a room or a building.

In many U.S. states, physically preventing someone from leaving a space can meet the legal threshold for unlawful restraint or false imprisonment, even if no punches are thrown. According to the Mayo Clinic’s guidance on domestic violence, abusive behavior often begins with acts a partner might minimize, such as holding someone down or blocking a doorway, and escalates over time to more dangerous violence. The early incidents still count.

Research supports this. A 2023 study published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence found that partners who used physical restraint during arguments were significantly more likely to escalate to injurious violence within 12 months. Advocates who work directly with survivors stress that “it was only grabbing” is one of the most common phrases they hear from people who later describe far more serious assaults.

Controlling a partner’s movement is about power, not protection

When someone physically stops a partner from leaving, the underlying message is: you do not get to decide when this conversation ends. That is a form of coercive control, a term that describes a pattern of behavior designed to dominate, isolate or intimidate a partner.

The nonprofit New Hope, which operates shelters and crisis services, lists controlling behavior alongside overt threats and violence as a core warning sign of an abusive relationship. Their indicators include monitoring where a partner goes, isolating them from friends and family, and using physical presence to intimidate or trap them.

Coercive control is now recognized as a legal concept in several countries and a growing number of U.S. jurisdictions. As of early 2026, states including California, Connecticut and Hawaii have enacted or are advancing legislation that specifically addresses coercive control as a form of domestic abuse, even in the absence of physical injury. The UK criminalized coercive control in 2015 under the Serious Crime Act. These legal shifts reflect a growing consensus among researchers that patterns of domination and restriction are as dangerous as individual violent acts.

Telling a victim she is “not ready” is textbook gaslighting

After physically restraining his girlfriend, the boyfriend did not acknowledge what he had done. Instead, he told her the problem was hers: she was “not ready for a relationship.” That is a classic example of what psychologists call gaslighting, a manipulation tactic in which the abuser reframes reality so the victim questions their own perception.

Dr. Robin Stern, a psychoanalyst at Yale and author of The Gaslight Effect, describes gaslighting as a gradual process in which the target loses confidence in their own judgment. Common tactics include denying that an event happened, minimizing its severity, or accusing the victim of being “too sensitive” or “overreacting.” The Learning Network at Western University identifies gaslighting in intimate relationships as a form of coercive control in which the abuser distorts events, questions the victim’s memory and uses manipulation to maintain power.

In this case, the boyfriend’s framing accomplishes two things at once. It deflects responsibility for his aggression, and it plants the idea that her alarm is evidence of her own inadequacy. Over time, that kind of reversal can leave a person confused, isolated and increasingly dependent on the abuser’s version of events.

Why one incident matters: the pattern behind the “bad night”

People who have not experienced intimate partner violence often ask: “But was it just one time?” Domestic violence professionals caution against that framing. The Mayo Clinic notes that abusers frequently call their partners names, humiliate them, blame them for the abuse and insist the victim “made” them angry. These behaviors rarely appear in isolation. They cluster.

In the situation described here, multiple warning signs converge in a single evening: physical force to restrict movement, intoxication as an unspoken excuse, emotional reversal to shift blame, and a refusal to take responsibility. According to the CDC, about 41% of women and 26% of men in the United States have experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime. Those numbers reflect patterns, not one-off events.

Advocates emphasize that the question is not whether a single incident “counts” as abuse. The question is whether the behavior reflects a willingness to use force, manipulation or control to override a partner’s autonomy. When the answer is yes, the risk of escalation is real.

What to do if this sounds familiar

For anyone who recognizes their own relationship in this story, safety experts recommend focusing on practical steps rather than trying to diagnose or fix the relationship in the moment.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) offers 24/7 confidential support by phone, chat and text. Trained advocates can help callers assess their situation, develop a safety plan and connect with local resources including shelters, legal aid and counseling.

Key elements of a safety plan, according to the Hotline and the U.S. Department of Justice Office on Violence Against Women, include:

Identifying a safe place to go in an emergency, such as a friend’s home, family member’s house or local shelter.
Keeping important documents (ID, financial records, medications) in an accessible location or with a trusted person.
Establishing a code word with a friend or family member that signals you need help.
Saving evidence of abusive behavior, including text messages and photos, in a secure location the abuser cannot access.

Leaving an abusive relationship is often the most dangerous period for a survivor. The Hotline’s advocates can help people plan a safe exit on their own timeline. No one has to have it all figured out before reaching out.

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Madison Clark

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As a mom of three busy boys, I know how chaotic life can get — but I’ve learned that it’s possible to create a beautiful, cozy home even with kids running around. That’s why I started Cultivated Comfort — to share practical tips, simple systems, and a little encouragement for parents like me who want to make their home feel warm, inviting, and effortlessly stylish. Whether it’s managing toy chaos, streamlining everyday routines, or finding little moments of calm, I’m here to help you simplify your space and create a sense of comfort.

But home is just part of the story. I’m also passionate about seeing the world and creating beautiful meals to share with the people I love. Through Cultivated Comfort, I share my journey of balancing motherhood with building a home that feels rich and peaceful — and finding joy in exploring new places and flavors along the way.