Woman Flooded With Dating Questions Says Waiting on a Man to Change Is Like Staring at a Pot That Won’t Boil and Tells Women the Only Fix Is to Walk Away

Her messages are full of the same question, asked a dozen different ways. What do I do when this guy does not like me back? What do I do when my boyfriend keeps doing this and I want him to change? A young woman who posts as @trinity.blair decided to answer all of them at once, and she reached for an old saying that grandmothers have been repeating in kitchens for generations: a watched pot never boils.

“I would say asking a man to change is equivalent to trying to watch water boil,” she says. “Let me give it to you straight. If you sit around waiting for a man to change, he won’t ever change.” Then she softens it, just slightly. “Maybe he will. When it’s gonna take one million light years.”

She explains why she thinks the old proverb fits so well. When you stand over a pot waiting for it to bubble, it feels like forever. The moment you step away and get busy with something else, you come back and the water is boiling, and you have gotten a bunch of other things done in the meantime. “Great time management on my end,” she jokes.

Her Advice Is to Walk Away From the Stove

She applies the same thinking to relationships. If a man will not change, she says, the answer is to go and focus on yourself. “Men don’t really change unless they want to or are forced to,” she says. “You can’t sit there and watch him and be like, so why aren’t you changing for me?”

Her bottom line is blunt. “If he doesn’t want to date you, he won’t date you. If he doesn’t want to change for you, he won’t change for you. You cannot force a man to do anything.”

So her advice is to walk away from “that water that won’t boil.” If you ever come back, she says, maybe things will be different, but either way you will be more successful and more productive, because you spent that time building your own life instead of waiting on someone else’s. Her caption says it in one line: “You cannot change someone who doesn’t want to change themselves.”

@trinity.blair

Her message is aimed at younger women, but the wisdom is hardly new. Plenty of mothers and grandmothers have given a version of the same talk at the kitchen table, often after learning it the hard way.

Why This Advice Rings True at Any Age

Counselors and therapists often make a similar point in their own words: you can only control your own choices. You can ask for what you need, explain how someone’s behavior affects you, and decide what you will accept. What you cannot do is make another adult want something they do not want.

That does not mean people never change. They do, all the time. But lasting change usually comes from the person’s own motivation, whether that is a health scare, a hard look in the mirror, or simply deciding they want to do better. Pressure, nagging, and waiting tend to produce short bursts of effort that fade once the pressure eases.

Waiting also has a cost. Years spent hoping someone will become a different person are years not spent on friendships, hobbies, careers, health, or a relationship that might actually fit.

How to Tell Whether Change Is Real

If you, or a daughter, granddaughter, or friend, are wondering whether a partner is truly changing, a few signs can help separate real effort from empty promises.

Look for actions, not just words. Apologies and promises are a start. Consistent, different behavior over months is the real proof.

Notice who is doing the work. If one person is constantly reminding, managing, and planning the other person’s improvement, that is a sign the motivation is not coming from within.

Watch whether the change lasts when things get hard. Anyone can be on their best behavior for a few weeks. Stress tends to show what has truly changed.

See if they take responsibility. Someone who is serious about changing usually owns the problem rather than blaming you, their job, or their past.

Consider outside help. When both people want to make it work, a counselor or trusted mentor can make a real difference. If only one person is willing to go, that tells you something too.

How to Support Someone Who Keeps Waiting

If you are watching a loved one wait on someone who is not changing, the urge to say “just leave him” can be strong. Often a gentler approach works better. Ask questions instead of giving orders: “What would need to happen for you to feel happy here?” or “How long are you willing to wait?” Remind them of the things they love doing, and invite them along.

And if a relationship involves fear, control, or any kind of harm, the stakes are higher than a pot on the stove. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available around the clock at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential support and help making a safety plan.

For everyday disappointments, though, this young woman’s kitchen wisdom holds up. Step away from the stove, get busy living, and let the water do whatever it is going to do.